One of the things I miss is dreaming of future "what ifs". We were always scheming and making plans for the future- (just ask our big kids about our never ending plans)--retiring to Candle Lake was one such plan. We were well on our way of making it a reality...trailer to cabin to house. Would we homeschool Delaney or send her on the bus? Where would our kids sleep when they came to visit or stay in the summer? Now that is is summer again, I love to think of going to the Lake, but am SO relieved to not HAVE to go. But, the point here is that my dreaming has stopped. and I miss it, but of course it's only fun when you dream with a partner. I know the Lord hears my longing, but really....it just is not fun planning and dreaming the crazy things in prayer!

Today, another Father's Day with no dad for my kids. It is not easier this second time, and as Dana blogged, it is harder. Delaney didn't want to do the school Father's Day craft this year so she had a day home with Grandma and Dana. She talks about her dad all the time, how can I fill that hole in her wee life? I know our God is father to the fatherless, but hugs and tickles from Daddy just truly can't be replaced. For me, Losing a spouse is definitely a tearing off of a part of the body--we marry and become one flesh, which is unlike any other relationship in our lives. No one can understand how deep that cut of loss is, and how the healing is superficial, like a wound that never fully gets better.

On another note, I really wanted to use this blog to put all the thoughts that are always in my head down in an organized form. However, I start writing, and all the poetic, beautiful, inspired language disappears into some abyss and I'm left with just ordinary words. Interesting-but something to work on, I guess. What happens, tho', is that if I can't do it "right" or well, I will give up and move on to another project. This drove Doug crazy, as he would have a project, and methodically work at it until all was complete (unfortunately this did not extend to house projects at this house on Cedar). Time to change my pattern, so I will continue to write, and hope to see a change in my word- smithing.

Another month-more tears!. We had Mom Shanks' 90th birthday on the long weekend, and I know Doug would have just loved the event. Family, brothers, pink shirts, memories, visiting, all too sad without him. Then today I finally phoned to cancel his cell phone number, and more tears. I guess it was a bit of denial related to still getting mail addressed to Doug...gradually the physical objects and reminders of Doug are being removed. Is it time to move yet? Perhaps...

Something clicked in my head this past week, perhaps some activity neurons were reawakened after some time of not being used! Anyway, I must become much more active--and indeed, the movement has begun! Is this part of a reawakening of my brain after a year of "suspended animation"? Volleyball, Zumba, walking...part of the summer routine? This is the only 'moving' I'll be doing this year. The journey continues....

Mother's Day

Another Mother's Day alone, but I rejoice being a mom. With God as creator, Doug and I made beautiful, awesome, fun kids. A gift, blessing, challenge, comfort, joy, raison d'etre. I watch Dave, so like his dad in manner and laugh, Dana with dark eyes and hair with her dad's definite sense of right and wrong, Delaney loving to look after flowers, whistling while she plays, sharing her favourite memories of her dad. Mom, mama -yes, all intact. Joy indeed.

Buddies

My griefshare buddies met for lunch today and WOW. I was reminded so very powerfully why I have connected so well with this group. The common concerns---how do we look after the yard without our husbands, how long will we wear our wedding rings, how are our children-big and smaller-doing with their lives, moving from one house to another as a single person--ever poignant reminders of our changed status. And in spite of the range of ages, we have our ever present sadness as a bond. A few friends keep in touch regularly, but the change in me has been to my very marrow--I am not the same, nor will I be the 'old' me. This sadness is not always visible, but it is always palpable ( nurse talk now, it seems), just under the surface, quite easy to find but at the same time easy for others to ignore. For this very reason, I love these "buddies" who know this hidden part of me.

It has been over a year since Dougie died. It is not easier to do "things" the second time without him, and in some ways it seems even harder. The reality of aloneness is brought to the fore every day as I parent Delaney, play with grandkids and worry about my big kids. Decisions about house, yard, money, work/career just go on and on. Then there are the physical demands of house, everyday living, garbage, decluttering. This is part of the " lamentation". Yet there is joy. Delaney sings and whistles when she plays-I worried that would be gone forever. I am able to provide for my now family of 2 at a job that I enjoy, reno decisions have been ok thus far (thanks, Trevor), and we've been able to do some travelling (Delaney thinks our next trip should be to Italy, hmmm). I have family and friends that make me feel loved. I have a Lord who says He will sustain me, carry me and rescue me (Isaiah 46:4). I am single, but perhaps I'm not really alone, I am blessed.