One of the things I miss is dreaming of future "what ifs". We were always scheming and making plans for the future- (just ask our big kids about our never ending plans)--retiring to Candle Lake was one such plan. We were well on our way of making it a reality...trailer to cabin to house. Would we homeschool Delaney or send her on the bus? Where would our kids sleep when they came to visit or stay in the summer? Now that is is summer again, I love to think of going to the Lake, but am SO relieved to not HAVE to go. But, the point here is that my dreaming has stopped. and I miss it, but of course it's only fun when you dream with a partner. I know the Lord hears my longing, but really....it just is not fun planning and dreaming the crazy things in prayer!

Today, another Father's Day with no dad for my kids. It is not easier this second time, and as Dana blogged, it is harder. Delaney didn't want to do the school Father's Day craft this year so she had a day home with Grandma and Dana. She talks about her dad all the time, how can I fill that hole in her wee life? I know our God is father to the fatherless, but hugs and tickles from Daddy just truly can't be replaced. For me, Losing a spouse is definitely a tearing off of a part of the body--we marry and become one flesh, which is unlike any other relationship in our lives. No one can understand how deep that cut of loss is, and how the healing is superficial, like a wound that never fully gets better.

On another note, I really wanted to use this blog to put all the thoughts that are always in my head down in an organized form. However, I start writing, and all the poetic, beautiful, inspired language disappears into some abyss and I'm left with just ordinary words. Interesting-but something to work on, I guess. What happens, tho', is that if I can't do it "right" or well, I will give up and move on to another project. This drove Doug crazy, as he would have a project, and methodically work at it until all was complete (unfortunately this did not extend to house projects at this house on Cedar). Time to change my pattern, so I will continue to write, and hope to see a change in my word- smithing.

Another month-more tears!. We had Mom Shanks' 90th birthday on the long weekend, and I know Doug would have just loved the event. Family, brothers, pink shirts, memories, visiting, all too sad without him. Then today I finally phoned to cancel his cell phone number, and more tears. I guess it was a bit of denial related to still getting mail addressed to Doug...gradually the physical objects and reminders of Doug are being removed. Is it time to move yet? Perhaps...