Christmas is over-and now I'm ready for it. figures. Ah well, it was ok this year...but still miss having Dougie here to plan the holiday festivities and enjoy our crew together. I have beautiful kids and grandkids, smart and funny, fun to be with. Meals and entertaining used to be a routine shared by us both...different chores and tasks were just done. It is really different with just one, but it is what it is. Another change I find is that visiting does not happen easily with just me...again, it's a couple's thing. Life's changes are still not easily accepted. One thing I can do for myself is pick my own present, so this year it is a Tassimo beverage machine. Great coffee for one, but I didn't have enough choice for a group...more shopping!

So, the rest of the holidays will be spent watching our huge TV, watching our blue ray movies and trying to figure out Netflix...Season's Greetings!

Forever - Rascal Flatts [HD][Lyrics]

David Crowder Band - SMS [Shine]

Christmas #2 without Dougie, makes me cry (yep, still cry almost everyday). I want to make things fun for Delaney, but I find I am really missing a balance in my thoughts, and probably my actions. Where is the yes to my no, the white to my black, the joke to my serious thoughts? So lonely for that missing part of self, the Doug to my Deb. Still half of a couple, not a single person yet. I don't like this, not at all.

Did the 30 days of gratitude on F/B, so thought I'd compile them here for future reference.

30 Days of Gratitude

Want to get on board with gratitude? Please join us for 30 Gratitudes in 30 Themes in 30 Days - November 1-30, 2010. Did you know that, according to scientific research, people who focused on appreciation and gratitude were considerably happier, less likely to complain about physical ailments and even more likely to exercise and offer assistance to others? How to Join: Join through 'liking' this page on facebook or registering at www.30DaysofGratitude.org. Bonuses of joining on the website are joining with friends, letting non-facebook family and friends participate, daily or weekly e-mail invites to post as the month goes on, having a profile for all your gratitudes, and other gratitude goodies on the site. Either way - we hope you take this opportunity to see what a little gratitude can do for you life! ~ Take care, The 30 DOG gang

30 days of gratitude-where you live. Well, Dalmeny is a wonderful place for young children. Delaney loves her school, we are close to family and friends, we have a nice house with great neighbours. It is the place for us for right now!

Day 2 of 30 days of gratitude, theme is governing principles. I am grateful for a country where my family receive healthcare, education, opportunity to vote and perhaps make a difference.( But I'm conflicted, I need to blog on this! )

Gratitude-family member day. I cannot choose one person, as I am blessed to have 2 brothers living close by right now. As kids, I was the oldest and only girl, very bossy and superior to my younger brothers. Today, they are fun uncles to Delaney, and great friends and yes, chore-doers for me! Love you guys, thanks for everything!

30 days Gratitude-special nature spot. Not one spot, but several! When I was young, my favourite place was Katepwa Beach. I went there until after Dana was born. Before Doug died, Candle Lake was the place we spent many a great day by the beach, enjoying the North. now I LOVE the East coast shore-thanks to Zach's family for the great intro. sounds of waves, beautiful rocky shore, lobster boats in the bay..lovely!

Day 5, 30 days of Gratitude-Tough Jobs. This take me many places in my thinking, but all of a sudden my PICU nursing life came to me. Taking care of dying kids and their families is a TOUGH job. The layer of emotions doing that for 25 years are a part of me, build me over my parenting years, stay forever.

Gratitude-Nice surprises. I have a couple. The biggest was perhaps being 43 years old, and finding out I was pregnant with baby #3. This was awesome because I actually thought I was dying, I felt so awful. I also had always wanted 3 kids, so heart's desire fulfilled!

30 days of gratitude-Sunday Special. I will take a bit of a break today, and for this I am thankful. The privilege of rest and sleeping in, freedom to worship as I please, money to do a bit of shopping, a comfortable life--I share my gratitude that I live where and as I do.

n Dana Perkins's status.

Deb commented on Janelle Loewen's link.

Deb Shanks

‎30 days of gratitude, Day 8 , Part of your body--interesting for me, one who really dislikes her outer shell. BUT on the inside, I a have heart that breaks and can be healed, a brain that processes information and makes life interesting, a female make-up so I could have kids and be a mom. And so much more...really, these other parts make me who I am, and I do like my inside!

Gratitude-Day 9, Good Friend. I cannot choose one, as I have several lovely friends who regularly phone, email, drop by my home or my office and ask "how are you doing?" and then wait for an answer. Thank you!

Day 10 of the Gratitude days: Aha moment. Well, aha...I can't think of one!

30 Days of Gratitude-Day 11, Those Who ProtectI am grateful for those who protect our homes from destruction, our streets from crime, and our nations from harm. This includes those from the past to the present time. Remember.

30 Days of Gratitude-Heritage

We are Saskatchewan folk, for sure. Open spaces with a view of the sunrise and sunset are beautiful. Being able to identify what crop is growing in the fields we drive by is a part of our prairie upbringing. We know what Potash is. I am grateful to be able to bring up my kids in this part of our country.

‎30 days for gratitude-my home, Day 13.

Many of you know how I have struggled to make a decision whether to stay in my house, or go. None the less, I am grateful for a house that is reasonably nice, big enough for my family, a place for Delaney and me to call home. I have awesome neighbours, D can walk to school...yes, I am grateful for all this.

0 Days of Gratitude-Day 14 Sunday Special

"O how I laugh when I think of my vague indefinite riches. No run on my bank can drain it, for my wealth is not possession but enjoyment. "Henry David Thoreau

Day 15 of 30 Days of Gratitude-A Local Shop-

Dalmeny has a drugstore that has an amazing array of items-if you couldn't find it anywhere else, Doug used to be able to find it at Dalmeny Drugs. My brother started calling it the Doug store, which sticks to this day. Thanks Lorne and Carol...it is awesome to have this service in a small town.

Gratitude Day 17-Mentors.

I am thinking of several mentors who really are role models. 1) My forever BFF, Gloria, my sister in Christ, who was a tireless mom, wife and friend. 2) Karen, neighbour, another super mom and now a super grandma (Gloria's a super grandma, too). 3) Anne, whose organization, hospitality and giving spirit are second to none. Grateful to have you all in my life.

Day 18 of this Gratitude month! Animal connections-So many! We have had some wonderful pets-dogs and cats over the past 35 years, but right now I have my Little Biscuit. She has been a best friend for Delaney, giving cuddles and a warm snuggles, making us a family of 3. But all our pets have been special, so here's to Miki, Ari, Zoomer, Jodi, Gus, Reggie, Gueny, Callie, Gus, Apple Pie (hope that's all of them!)

OK, so I can only do this once a week, so it seems. And I don't sleep some nights, so looks like a match of no sleep=blog. The birthday weekend was a blur. Party went well! It is so fun as the girls get older and they actually visit with me, plus they made their own games for the most part, and played well. The time actually flew by, and before we knew it the party was over. Then we went to the Sheraton for a sleepover Sat nite, everyone came for supper and a swim, and a fun time was had by all. Now, we could have gone to Orlando for what I spent on all these events (or one of us could have gone), so next year it's Disneyworld again, well, maybe.

Now the other thing I do when I can't sleep is worry about everything that needs doing here-shovelling, fixing all kinds of things that go wrong in a house--everything is so time consuming, including thinking about it all the time. Should make me tired, then I could sleep, but no...I have to worry about who to do it, how do I find someone to do it, when they can come, how much is it going to be, on and on. Yup, what I really want to do is escape, and since it's night, I'll dream.

Where to go? Somewhere with a temperate clime, cheap to rent, walk where we need to go, schools not necessary as we'll home school the girl for a bit, decent work for me since I can't retire quite yet, and a beach fairly close by. We should take the dog, but the cat will have to stay behind. I'll have to think on this for a bit.

Nope, still not ready for bed...what to do now? Worry? Dream? Got it---Pray!

Happy Birthday to Delaney

I was going to add to my Remembrance day post, but as usual I have been distracted. Remembrance to me is more than the Veterans. I remember the heroes in my life--Doug, my dad, my father-in-law. I really did not finish my thoughts there, but those memories bring me to the next topic--my baby is 10 on Friday the 12th. Wow! She said to me today that she would like to spend just two more days being 9, since 10 is almost a teenager! Ah, such a sweet girlie. And, as usual, as I write about Delaney, I cry. This is her second birthday without her daddy. It is not fair that she has had to experience such tough things already, but life is not fair. So I cherish the little girl with whom I have been entrusted, put my faith in our God who is a Father to the fatherless, and plan the first birthday party I have had to do for any of my kids by myself. Happy birthday, Delaney!

Nov. 11, Remembrance Day. I have read many posts and viewed many YouTube poignant, touching posts honouring veterans. There are many opinions about war- and I offer some here.

Shawn Hlookoff Soldier

www.youtube.com

Rick Mercer in Bosnia

www.youtube.com

Rick Mercer in Bosnia

A Pittance of Time - Terry Kelly

www.youtube.com

On November 11, 1999 Terry Kelly was in a Shoppers Drug Mart store in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia. At 10:55 AM an announcement came over the store's PA asking customers who would still be on the premises at 11:00 AM to give two minutes of silence in respect to the veterans who have sacrificed so much for

Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est
Pro patria mori. (W. Owen)

"Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori

- it is sweet and right to die for your country." Ever since I heard these words in grade 5 or 6 they struck me as false, serving the state in convincing the individual to give up their life. It is a sacrifice that should not have to be made.

My sister-in-law made this comment, and I absolutely agree.

When I became a member of the Mennonite church, a pacifist, as it were, I had to reconcile this for myself. Peace, not war, is currently my choice.

Wars today are usually for very different reasons than Mr. Hitler's campaign of WWII.

BUT what about those people in countries needing help?

Are the various armed forces of many nations fighting for freedom? No, I do not think this. What about wars for oil? But are all wars based on hate? or money? or oil? old grudges? So many questions....but for today, I choose to remember.

Today is day 9 of the 30 days of gratitude, and good friends is the topic. This has been on my mind of late for several reasons. When having lunch with an out of town friend, we got to the topic of Delaney and me moving-what are we going to do? Then she said, " I bet you have lots of friends saying- Don't go!" My reply- well, no, I only have a couple friends that actually talk (meaning keep in touch) with me these days. Hmmm, not what she expected. This is not what I expected either! I suspect ( but don't know for sure) that some people feel glad ( and then guilty) that they are not me. Others feel guilty when they find that keeping in touch has now become a chore. I am NOT going to dwell on this, it is what it is. What I am doing, tho', is assess what kind of friend I am to others. And yes, I am the neglectful one. So, I am going to do something about this. No more procrastination, today is my friend day. Friends, both old and new, are something to be cherished, and for all my friends, even those I don't often see or talk to, I am grateful.

Today my cousin Kim buried her 21 year old sweet boy, Chaz. Sorrow, sadness, family and friends were the themes of the afternoon. It was poignant and heart wrenching to see the tears of Chaz's family and friends. Now, I know as a Christian, we are not as those who have no hope. But today was a day to celebrate the tears, be sad for those who mourn and just be an older cousin.

I'm always blogging in my head--interesting or annoying or challenging things happen, then I make up my blog about the event. Funny thing is, it does not end up on this site. It just rattles around in my head, composing words, different ways to say things so people don't get hurt, how can I write it so I look intelligent...on and on. One good aspect of this non=blogging is I realize how much happens around me. Current events, government decisions, family conflicts all give rise to my personal editorial--I am thinking critically about my world--I am NOT stuck in myself! This is good.

Now another story. This comes from Doug's oldest brother, John--Beer Sales in Saltcoats.

This goes back a lot of years, this memory, to about 1956 or 1957. John was about 10 years old, Gordon (brother #2) was about 8, and Doug was about 4 years old.

" Gordon and I (John) , being the terrific and kind role models that we were as Doug's older brothers, let Doug tag along with us often as we played. Now, this particular afternoon, Gordon, Doug and I were paying in and climbing up on some "swather-like" farm equipment in the lot of a Farm Equipment dealer. Just as we jumped into the swather box, we discovered a box. A box that we weren't familiar with, so we rattled it a bit and there was a clinking of glass-so we opened the box. Lo and behold, it was beer! Someone had stashed a case of beer. Now, we weren't the most street-smart trio in town, but we did know that this was a treasure that our dad would not appreciated--so we decided to sell it.

It was pretty heavy for 3 little kids so we went home and got our wagon. By this time Doug was getting tired so he rode and Gordon and I pulled the wagon back. We loaded up the beer and Doug has to make sure he held it so we didn't lose our precious cargo-away we went.

We went door to door selling beer. How adorable, a little guy n the wagon latching onto a case of beer. Bear in mind, this was a little town where everyone knew everyone and here were the children of Art Shanks ( upstanding citizen, respected teacher, dedicated Superintendent of the Sunday School) peddling beer. They must have been so impressed with how he was bringing up his children! To end the story, Doug sold the beer to an old bachelor on the edge of town. He wanted to by Doug, too, but we knew we were already in trouble, so we decided we shouldn't sell Doug, too."

Thanks, John.

Brothers

Younger brothers were a constant in my life-cars, guns, fighting. It also meant I never had to share a room! One of the first times Doug came over for supper, we were all sitting at the dining room table . Brothers always felt the need to "show" off and goofing aplenty, trying to be the funniest, you know. A brother was sitting beside Doug, and was after one particularly funny moment, started to cough on his roast beef, promptly throwing up on Doug's lap. Doug, having 2 older and 1 younger brother, just got up, washed off and continued on with the visit. He was a keeper (Doug that is.)

The Beginning..

Another morning, 4 am, sitting in my living room AWAKE. Should I read instead of surfing? No, I think I'll take my musing from lamenting to reminiscing...

How did Doug and I meet? I was in grade 10, young thing, right? Doug had returned to YRHS (Yorkton Regional High School) to upgrade his high school marks after a solo trip to New Zealand, and he was sharing his younger brother's locker--which was right across the hall from mine. He had asked out a couple other girls that I knew, but things just hadn't worked out.I was waiting for a call from another guy (hmm, also older, weird) but this Doug called and asked for a date to a movie. Well, off we went, but I had a girlfriend coming for a sleepover, so movie then right home (the theatre was 2 blocks from my house). After that outing, I had stated to everyone that I didn't think we'd be going out again--he was nice, but not my type-whatever that was. I continued waiting for the other guy to call, but that didn't happen. Apparently, other guy was told NOT to bother, Deb was now dating someone else. and so the direction of my life was set...I thought going out with Doug again would be fun, and let's be totally honest...he had the most awesome car in the Yorkton teen world...'71 green Camaro, always keep shiny and full of gas. Thinking about this and talking out loud to myself, I know we would NEVER have encouraged/allowed our teen daughters to date an older guy , but without this guy, I would not have the super awesome kids I have...

Let's put the seniors in jail and the felons in nursing homes.

This would correct two things in one motion:

Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.

They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.

All meals and snacks would be brought to them

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counselling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.

Simple clothing - i.e.., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free upon request..

There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.

Each senior would have a computer, T. V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.

They would receive daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the Canadian Civil Liberties Association would fight for their rights and protection.

The orderlies would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.


As for the felons:

They would receive cold food.

They would be left alone and unsupervised.

They would receive showers once a week.

They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.

They would have no hope of ever getting out.

Interesting.

Yesterday a dear lady met me in the grocery store in Dalmeny and asked, "Is it really true that Doug is gone?" Why yes, dear lady, he is dead. Answer her questions, don't cry, finish shopping, act 'ok', go home and keep going. While I am able to do the motions of continuing with life, my being is still sad. These last few nights, the moon has been shining so brightly in my bedroom window. Delaney says it's a nightlight, and it is lovely. It also makes me melancholy and lonely. Is heaven up there, past the stars and the moon? Is there beautiful nature that Doug enjoyed so very much? Can he see my tears, and know how much I miss him? No answers until heaven, but questions continue to swirl around me. and yes, it is true that Doug is gone.

Ollie is 4 today, wow. So with all the summer birthdays, Tristan is 4, Violet is 1, O is 4, and I am a year older too. Time keeps ticking, but sometimes it is just too slow. I want things to be settled, decisions made, no more "maybe this and maybe that". Job, house, reno's, all done. So, as summer comes to a close, I'm still undecided about lots of things. but it really looks like my creative writing aspirations are a no go. Just am not getting the words on paper that float around in my head! Practice? yes, I guess so. Happy August, kind of.

August 1st, the birthday month. Doug would be 58 on Tuesday. Too sad. and somehow my words have left me. Will do this again later.

Sunday morning, sitting on the deck, delicious coffee, sun, quiet! Amazing that is's so quiet here in town, at the Lake was like a busy village with kids, cars, animals, all getting the day organized. Here, it's just a few cars in the distance, birds and wind. Nice! I look at my backyard, with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction as the yard work is about 50% "complete". Grass is nice, deck and gazebo area are ok, lots of "toys" are placed and ready to be played with and on. This is significant because I am NOT a gardener. Never have been, prior to this, only when coerced by Doug. Allergies, work schedule and general dislike of dirt are the basis of this personality "trait"(Doug accepted this, but never understood!) Anyway, a bit at a time this past few weeks, and some progress made. Best part is that I still have 5 weeks of vacation left!

As well, today is Miss Violet's birthday party. One year passed, and again, we made it! Not only have we made it, but we have participated and enjoyed the year. New experiences, trying different patterns of doing things, changing...Delaney was talking yesterday about making a book for Violet so she would know her grandpa Doug. Wow, what a great kid...so we'll do that over the next while.

So summer continues, always decisions to be weighed, but enjoying the days as they come. Today, I'm not alone, enjoying the blessings of family and health. Happy birthday, lovely Violet!

Summer so far

Already July, two weeks of "vacation" done, and really nothing accomplished. I am amazed at my lack of accomplishment. Yard, house, garage, car--all suffer from this chronic condition known as neglect.

BUT, we did have an absolutely wonderful time in Nova Scotia. It really was away from all things Dalmeny in my life, and Delaney loved everything about our trip. Was I happy to be home? Not really, but I was happy to see puppy. House? Not really. Friends? Haven't seen anyone yet. Family? Nice to see everyone here, but they are all busy with everything else.

Anyway, NS is a beautiful place. Some shopping in very nice shops, trips to Peggys Cove and Halifax harbour, lobster meal...all so not Saskatchewan. Meeting Zach's family also so nice, faces and personalities to go with all the names!

Now, Steve is back here and will continue with some reno's. Keep getting this house ready to sell in case I ever make any decisions. and so summer continues.

Alone.

One of the things I miss is dreaming of future "what ifs". We were always scheming and making plans for the future- (just ask our big kids about our never ending plans)--retiring to Candle Lake was one such plan. We were well on our way of making it a reality...trailer to cabin to house. Would we homeschool Delaney or send her on the bus? Where would our kids sleep when they came to visit or stay in the summer? Now that is is summer again, I love to think of going to the Lake, but am SO relieved to not HAVE to go. But, the point here is that my dreaming has stopped. and I miss it, but of course it's only fun when you dream with a partner. I know the Lord hears my longing, but really....it just is not fun planning and dreaming the crazy things in prayer!

Today, another Father's Day with no dad for my kids. It is not easier this second time, and as Dana blogged, it is harder. Delaney didn't want to do the school Father's Day craft this year so she had a day home with Grandma and Dana. She talks about her dad all the time, how can I fill that hole in her wee life? I know our God is father to the fatherless, but hugs and tickles from Daddy just truly can't be replaced. For me, Losing a spouse is definitely a tearing off of a part of the body--we marry and become one flesh, which is unlike any other relationship in our lives. No one can understand how deep that cut of loss is, and how the healing is superficial, like a wound that never fully gets better.

On another note, I really wanted to use this blog to put all the thoughts that are always in my head down in an organized form. However, I start writing, and all the poetic, beautiful, inspired language disappears into some abyss and I'm left with just ordinary words. Interesting-but something to work on, I guess. What happens, tho', is that if I can't do it "right" or well, I will give up and move on to another project. This drove Doug crazy, as he would have a project, and methodically work at it until all was complete (unfortunately this did not extend to house projects at this house on Cedar). Time to change my pattern, so I will continue to write, and hope to see a change in my word- smithing.

Another month-more tears!. We had Mom Shanks' 90th birthday on the long weekend, and I know Doug would have just loved the event. Family, brothers, pink shirts, memories, visiting, all too sad without him. Then today I finally phoned to cancel his cell phone number, and more tears. I guess it was a bit of denial related to still getting mail addressed to Doug...gradually the physical objects and reminders of Doug are being removed. Is it time to move yet? Perhaps...

Something clicked in my head this past week, perhaps some activity neurons were reawakened after some time of not being used! Anyway, I must become much more active--and indeed, the movement has begun! Is this part of a reawakening of my brain after a year of "suspended animation"? Volleyball, Zumba, walking...part of the summer routine? This is the only 'moving' I'll be doing this year. The journey continues....

Mother's Day

Another Mother's Day alone, but I rejoice being a mom. With God as creator, Doug and I made beautiful, awesome, fun kids. A gift, blessing, challenge, comfort, joy, raison d'etre. I watch Dave, so like his dad in manner and laugh, Dana with dark eyes and hair with her dad's definite sense of right and wrong, Delaney loving to look after flowers, whistling while she plays, sharing her favourite memories of her dad. Mom, mama -yes, all intact. Joy indeed.

Buddies

My griefshare buddies met for lunch today and WOW. I was reminded so very powerfully why I have connected so well with this group. The common concerns---how do we look after the yard without our husbands, how long will we wear our wedding rings, how are our children-big and smaller-doing with their lives, moving from one house to another as a single person--ever poignant reminders of our changed status. And in spite of the range of ages, we have our ever present sadness as a bond. A few friends keep in touch regularly, but the change in me has been to my very marrow--I am not the same, nor will I be the 'old' me. This sadness is not always visible, but it is always palpable ( nurse talk now, it seems), just under the surface, quite easy to find but at the same time easy for others to ignore. For this very reason, I love these "buddies" who know this hidden part of me.

It has been over a year since Dougie died. It is not easier to do "things" the second time without him, and in some ways it seems even harder. The reality of aloneness is brought to the fore every day as I parent Delaney, play with grandkids and worry about my big kids. Decisions about house, yard, money, work/career just go on and on. Then there are the physical demands of house, everyday living, garbage, decluttering. This is part of the " lamentation". Yet there is joy. Delaney sings and whistles when she plays-I worried that would be gone forever. I am able to provide for my now family of 2 at a job that I enjoy, reno decisions have been ok thus far (thanks, Trevor), and we've been able to do some travelling (Delaney thinks our next trip should be to Italy, hmmm). I have family and friends that make me feel loved. I have a Lord who says He will sustain me, carry me and rescue me (Isaiah 46:4). I am single, but perhaps I'm not really alone, I am blessed.

After a year of journaling, I am inspired by my Dear Daughter Dana to start a blog. A broken heart, a new life for me and my family... It is a lonely journey, and a lonely life. Maybe expressing some of this in a different forum will help, so on I go....